A finishing school for aspiring lap swimmers - posted at 11:17

Because writing this could probably get me in trouble, I am going to disclaimer right now:

I neither mind nor dislike sharing lanes with people in the pool. What I mind is a total lack of situational awareness and a lack of consideration for other swimmers.

(I should make a note to those of you who may not be terribly interested in a swimming diatribe that I do use the phrase "why in the Flying Spaghetti Monster's name" in the course of this rant. It's all nice and bold so it will be easy for you to find.)

My workout ended rather badly today.

After practice, I stayed in the pool to get in another 2000 yards, y'know, like I do sometimes because I don't get to swim on as many days as I would like to. It was gonna be great: four quick-tempoed 500 freestyles, then I would get out of the pool and do my many (productive) errands before going to bed. This was all going great until the first ominous sign appeared about 300 yards into my supplement.

Someone was standing on a kickboard in the middle of the pool. This could only portend the massive invasion of the pool by a large group of people whose organization shall remain unnamed (I'd like to avoid any dooce-like incidents, thanks), suffice to say that they are certainly not known for their aquatic prowess.

A scant few minutes later, one of them gets in my lane. God if I know why, since I am what is known as a speedy and highly proficient swimmer (a natural side effect of spending thousands and thousands of hours training in the pool) while this person was not. I'm sorry, but what the hell possesses a person who cannot swim with his face in the water to get in a lane with a seasoned lap swimmer when there are other lanes open??? Despite my confusion, this was ok because there were only two of us, and it seems that even inexperienced swimmers can figure out side swimming.

Not 50 yards later, someone else jumps in my lane. I immediately switch into circle swimming (a bit trickier to figure out, y'know, it's like driving. Tough stuff, I know). There's a slight scuffle when someone doesn't know how to handle always swimming on the right side of the lane like you do when you're driving, and we lose a person. Great. Back to two, back to side swimming. The rest of the 500 finishes with no major incidents.

About 200 yards into the next 500 is when shit starts hitting the fan. I'm swimming back and forth, back and forth in a predictable manner, do a flip turn, and as I'm breaking my streamline to come to the surface I lift my head and have to stop immediately because some moron has swum right in front of me while trying to cross lanes. Mind you, this entire pool is dedicated to lap swimming, so it's not like I'm in my own little world just expecting everyone to revolve around me. This person apparently had no idea that what you do in a pool is swim laps and so you shouldn't cross in front of another swimmer. Seriously, if I hadn't lifted my head right then I would have rammed the guy and my neck and spine would have taken all the force of impact. I am pissed, bark a snarky "EXCUSE ME!" at him, and continue swimming. Not ten yards later (that's less than half a length for the swimming unindoctrinated) it happens again. Luckily I was in full swimming mode with my head up so central nervous system injury was not an issue, but I was still pissed. That breaches all kinds of lane etiquette.

I'm mildly pissed by then because I'm trying to get a good workout in and people are acting like children with zero situational awareness and messing me up. But just wait, the best is yet to come.

The lane is rapidly filling up with people who have all the swimming prowess of drowning cats. About 50 or 100 yards later, I've just done a flip turn in the deep end of the pool and again am just coming up out of my streamline when I feel a huge force wash over me. I pull up short and there is some moron who has just dived in practically on top of me. Ok, that other stuff was rude, but this was DUMB and DANGEROUS. I could have been seriously hurt because that guy was too much of a fucking moron to look and see if OH, I DON'T KNOW, THERE WAS ANYONE IN THE WAY BEFORE HE DOVE IN.

I went through the roof, started yelling obscenities at him (which is something I have never done in my life to a complete stranger before this morning), and swam over the top of him. Somehow I managed to convince myself to just do a really angry flip turn and finish out my workout, but I was this close to jumping out of the pool, finding the person in charge of these wahoos, and yelling at him -- pulling rank if necessary -- all of which is highly out of character for me (especially the pulling rank bit). But you can really get hurt (or hurt someone else) doing what that moron was doing -- like spinal injuries -- so it certainly would have been warranted. Luckily, I was not privy to any other similar occurences this morning.

The next offense that started stacking up was easy enough to solve. People were stopping at the ends and just standing there right in the middle of the lane, which, oddly enough, is right where you do your turns. It only took about two instances of my flipping about three inches away from them for them to figure out that they shouldn't gaggle there. It's like shock therapy for people who have no fucking consideration. It's great.

The next problem is even more aggravating and more difficult to solve because you're dealing with an equal, if not greater, amount of cluelessness. I'll set up the scenario for you:

You are not a strong swimmer, being one of the people who can't swim with your face in the water, but for some unknown reason you have chosen to get in a crowded lane with a fast swimmer who is only stopping every six and a half minutes or so. Maybe, just maybe, when she comes to the wall she is not going to stop! It is strongly within the realm of possibility that she will flip and keep swimming far faster than you can! Then WHY IN THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER'S NAME would you push off the wall and start swimming when she is about two yards away from it??? She's just gonna run you over in about five seconds! I don't abide that shit. When someone significantly slower than me pushes off right before I get to the wall I lose it. That is just rude and retarded. It displays the fact that either a) you think that you are the shit in the pool when clearly you are not, b) you have the capacity for considerateness of a pebble, or c) that you have no clue what the hell is going on around you.

In fact, everything I have chronicled here is symptomatic of some partial or complete selection of a, b, and c. Seriously, people. It's not hard to show some respect for the people sharing a lane with you. It'll ensure that everyone gets a better workout and will generally make people's lives a lot better -- including those of the lifeguards who are clearly not being paid enough to make sure that you don't a) drown or b) kill yourself with some of the antics I saw today.

Just learn some fucking lane etiquette already.