This Fish and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Morning - posted at 10:00

When I woke up this morning (at 4:30!) I didn't have gum in my hair. But that doesn't mean that I was going to get a reprieve.

I had left my swimming bag at work yesterday and didn't realize it until I was halfway home. "No matter," I thought. "The building is supposed to be open 24 hours and it's on my way to the gym," and continued on my merry way, setting my alarm perhaps a few minutes earlier than I would have otherwise. Upon the commencement of that doleful ringing, I had a lengthy and tortured arm wrestling match in my head about how I should react to said alarm. Swimming won and sleep sulked off into the corner to nurse its bruised ego.

When I got to my car, I found it covered in...... Slush. Now many of you may not be acquainted with my opinion of Slush, so here it is: Slush has got to be the most god-awful weather phenomenon known to man. It's not rain, it's not snow, it's the horrible bastard child of the two that makes every other driver's IQ drop by 30 points, minimum. It's the cold splattery stuff that get kicked up and conspires to drench your poor, unassuming legs. It is, in fact, a harbinger of the Apocalypse.

So did I take it as a sign? Did I go back to bed? No, dear reader, in true stubborn, Moore-bred fashion, I did not. I got in my car, turned on the wipers, and off I went. The weather was ok for a few miles but grew steadily worse as I approached the pool, sleet and Slush (drat!) coming down thickly in silver-dollar sized bits, shutting down visibility.

And still I persisted.

I parked outside my office, ran up to the door, and..... nothing. The door was locked, the way was shut (and with the way the day was shaping up, there may as well have been a grey wizard bellowing "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"). "Dammit!" I had my work clothes with me, but no shower stuff, no towel, and certainly, no workout gear of any kind, be it dryland or wet. That was all on the other side of the unyielding, evil, conspiring door whose stubbornness outstripped mine. I had no choice but to return home to get ready for work.

On the way home I consoled myself with the thought that on my way back in to work my favorite coffee shack would be open and I treat myself to a nice hot cappuccino on my way in. Well that dream got deflated in a hurry when I drove by the place to find the line spilling out from the parking lot into the oncoming traffic lane. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE!?!?!? Is your coffee fix that important that you're willing to block traffic in terrible road conditions??? (See previous comment about Slush's effect on the human intelligence quotient.)

I returned to my office building (alas, caffeineless) less than two hours later. The Slush was no longer raining down like anti-manna from heaven, and I soon discovered why: it had a new strategy of all being on the ground.

I slipped a little when I got out of the car and very nearly had My First Moment Of Utter Grace (aka flat on my ass on the ice) of the season. Dratted Slush.....

I (carefully) made my way back to my building, doing the Alaska Shuffle all the way lest the Slush claim its first victim. Surely the office would be open by now... it would be inconceivable that it would still be locked after 7 o'clock.

Dammit! It was still locked. And the Slush had resumed coming down (or, rather, sideways, as there was a healthy wind going) and stinging me in the face. And there is no shelter in front of the office door. And I was really crabby and really tired because I had gotten up before 0-dark-thirty, hadn't swum, and had been foiled in my attempt to revive myself with a frothy, warm, tasty coffee.

Twenty minutes later the building was unlocked and I poured in, face even redder than usual from the wind and the Slush. In that moment I'd never been happier than I was right then about the fact that my section had, uh, requisitioned a coffee pot the day before, and I took the carafe into the break room to clean it out. I saw what looked like a weird dark coffee stain and went to town on it with a scrubbie to make it a fitting receptacle for our morning brew (we're professionals. We take that stuff very seriously). After seeing no results from a fit of scrubbing that would certainly have lifted rubbery scrambled egg residue from a stainless steel pan, I run a fingernail over the blemish and discover....

A crack.

Dammit!!! Not only would it leak that precious, precious coffee, the crack would most certainly be aggravated by the heat.

That's it!!!! I threw up my hands and give up, conceding my utter, complete, and total loss to whatever god was laughing at me at that very moment.

I should have stayed in bed this morning -- even if there had been gum in my hair....

Mom commented:

This story was almost as good as the first one you wrote in 2nd grade. You're so right.....brought back many fond memories.

Kelsey commented:

Oh no... did you ever get coffee?

Jitterbean Girl commented:

I did, but we had to make it in the communal coffee pot (hence the reason for my cubicle square stealing its own) which means that vultures (who steal our coffee and don't pay for it or make another pot) finished it off before I was able to get a cup. I make another pot and stood guard, but dude, that's just sad. Who steals the last coffee and doesn't make a new pot? What jerks.

Kelsey commented:

That is just sad...
Hey, check out this pattern for convertible mittens, I'm sure you can adjust it if the colorwork is intimidating (as it is for me!!):
http://vintagestitchorama.blogspot.com/2006/08/frankenmitts_19.html
http://www.craftster.org/forum/index.php?topic=180191.0 (scroll down a bit on this one to see this person's version of the franken mitts)
They look super cute.

Jitterbean Girl commented:

OOooooOOoohhh! Thanks for showing me that pattern! It looks perfect (uh, maybe minus the intimidating color work -- that's what variegated and self-striping yarns are for!)... I really hope I can make these before too much of the winter has gone by!

Allen commented:

Not a good morning... and I don't mean to boast, but not quite as bad as my Friday morning--woke up at 5:30 to blackened nostrils and hazy air. Upon putting the batteries in my carbon monoxide detector, I immediately heard it squawking out it's highest possible reading. Needless to say, the family was quickly shuffled out of doors -- and despite my protests, my wife wouldn't let me go back in to make coffee for the road!

Vickie commented:

Ah, how I miss your blog entries. And I thought _I_ had a propensity to be long winded when discussing Harry Potter. Still annoyed with the ending.

I just checked out your food blog and I'm like ZOMG AWESOMMNITUDE.

Jitterbean Girl commented:

Yikes, what happened there??? That's all kinds of no good. Glad to hear that you guys all got out unscathed!!!

... Pity about the coffee though.